I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
He shit in the fireplace
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
