and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Randomize
