dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
and she was petting her beer can
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
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