Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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