I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Randomize
