Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
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