wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
