omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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