i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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