Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
What drink are we having for lunch?
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Randomize
