I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
