dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
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