You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
