You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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