You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
