there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Randomize
