Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
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