so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Randomize
