I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
