The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize