Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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