when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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