Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
no, he came in my armpit
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
