i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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