your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
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