1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Randomize