someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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