I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
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