im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
