When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Just puked most of my soul out..
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
