I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
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