"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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