What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
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