So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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