yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Randomize
