You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
