M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
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