I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
