laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
I think I just shit out all my problems.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Randomize
