Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Randomize
