she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
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