well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Randomize
