i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
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