I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
