I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Randomize
