I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
