I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Randomize
