I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Randomize
