Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Randomize
