Sorry, I don't speak sober.
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Randomize
