No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
