they need to just BURY HIM!
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
