i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
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