32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
