So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
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