When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
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