the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
