Tell her she can't have a vagina
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Im part way to drunk.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
