I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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