he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
